* ( heavy metal )
( audience cheering )
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome...
Jim Breuer!
( cheers and applause )
( heavy metal playing over sound system )
All right.
'Sup.
MAN: Breuer!
Yeah!
( cheering )
I'm proud of you, Long Island, you made it tonight.
"I'm gonna go see Breuer, I don't... ( muttering )..."
That's right, thank you.
( cheering )
Yeah.
Go ahead, settle in there, settle--
Double-fister, look at you.
That's Long Island, right there.
You know what I like about Long Island?
First of all, I play the whole country, okay?
And they say, "Oh, Texas got some pride."
And they do.
But nobody has pride like Long Islanders.
( cheering )
I started stand-up comedy here in Long Island,
I think in Elmont, yeah.
That's why I do rock guys, my first guy was Ozzy.
And I would imitate him, like, "This next band is really great,
ha ha ha ha!-- you guys are gonna love these guys."
Now, here it is a couple years later,
um, the band Metallica, right?
( imitating Hetfield ) "Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. Yeah!
"Yeah yeah, yeah yeah!
Yeah! Yeah. Yeah."
Which is--
which is really--it's stupid.
He doesn't talk like that or act like that all day long.
"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."
"Huh? Yeah. Ooh! Yeah."
Although--Although it'd be funny if he did, ya know?
That's a new reality show, like, "This week we have
four of the most famous hard rock metal guys
"and they're gonna try to return a stool.
Let's see them walk into the service center right now."
Yeah, like Ozzy just comes--
( imitates Ozzy Osbourne mumbling )
"Sir, you okay?"
( mumbling )
"Aha ha ha!
All right!!!"
"Can I--can I talk to the guy behind him?"
"Yeah! Yeah!
Cheah! Yeh."
"Do you have a receipt, sir?"
"Oooh!"
( laughs )
Angus Young is behind him,
no guitar, just hanging out in Sears.
( mumbling )
"Awright, can I talk to that guy?"
The lead singer of AC/DC comes in. "Oooh!
(shrieking) "I'd like to return the chair!
"Fire! ( imitates explosion )
"Fire! Yeah! Yeah! Fire!"
( cheers and applause )
"Guys, do you have a receipt?"
"Oooh!
"We ain't got a receipt!
"Fire! ( imitates explosion )"
(mumbling) "He doesn't have a receipt."
"Join 'em next week when they try to put a brand-new toilet in."
( laughs ) I'd watch that show. Anyway...
so, we go on cruises, right?
Yeah. That's humanity at its worst.
( blows into microphone )
There's something about being out in a boat,
just as soon as you look at the ship you're like,
"Oh, wow.
How does that thing float?"
( laughs ) Dummies.
And then you get on a boat, this is 5,000 people,
you're wasted soon as you get on the boat,
like, "Have a drink! Get wasted!"
"Oh, all right! Thank you!"
Lookin' for your cabin for nine hours.
"Where's Promenade deck?"
I worked on a cruise, I did a metal cruise.
Yes. It was Motorhead...
It was the ugliest human beings I ever seen in my life.
( laughs )
You were on there, Hammer?
( laughter )
And that's another thing.
We need to help cruise boat workers.
They're--they're not workers.
They're not. I'm convinced they're hostages.
They're all from, like, Indonesia,
they all got that look soon as you get on the boat,
"Oh, somebody help me.
"I been trapped on this boat four generations,
"they stole me, my whole family,
"they make me have children...
"My nephew making pizza. He know nothing about pizza.
"Help us. Please.
Look, there's my son, he's painting."
And none of 'em speak English. They just have that look.
"Ah, this is your room. Okay. Okay."
You want to scare the death out of poor Indonesian people,
roll up on their island in the middle of the night
and just go... ( imitates foghorn )
'Cause that's how they get them, that's how they recruit them.
"Don't let him in the jungle! Get him!"
"I got him, I got him!
"Open up the hatch, open up the hatch!"
"Teach that one how to make cute animals out of towels."
Right before the ship goes out,
they do that really unnecessary security thing.
Ya know, the captain's like, "It's mandatory that, um,
"you look on your card and you'll see where the rescue section is.
"Everyone if you hear... ( imitates alarm )...
"that means the boat is in turmoil. However, it won't happen.
"We expect you in an orderly fashion--"
Yeah, yeah, okay.
The objective of a boat is to get you wasted...
beyond belief.
So yeah, you're gonna hear... ( imitates alarm )...
like, "Oh, we gotta find our section."
( slurring ) "Everyone walk orderly."
We've all seen Titanic.
lf you're on a cruise boat and you hear...
( imitates alarm )
...look to whoever you're with and go,
"We had a nice run."
And don't be amongst the thousands looking for the security area.
Just look for the heaviest human being,
push them overboard.
They're not gonna make it,
they're not gonna let 'em in the boat.
"You're too big! I'm sorry! You're gonna have to wait!"
"Come on!
"Come on! ( muttering )
Come on!"
'Cause they're gonna be floaters in twenty seconds.
Yeah, you want to hold on to that.
"There's that guy!"
And you can watch all the Indonesians swimming back to--
"Oh, finally we free!"
( imitates foghorn )
I turned, uh, 47 this year.
( cheers )
Nah. Nah, not feelin' it.
( laughter )
I'm not feelin' it. I do not enjoy getting older.
I--it's just little things, like I pulled a muscle...
in--like, right next to my butthole...
I didn't even know there was muscles there.
And I wasn't taking yoga, kick-boxing,
or--or sprinting,
all I did was like, "I'll go warm the car up--"
Pssshh! "Oh God!"
( laughter )
"Oh, no!"
I'm trying to massage it out,
and the kids are like, "What are you doing, Dad?
What's wrong with your heinie?"
"Go get Mom. Go get Mom!"
"Ma, Dad did something wrong with his heinie hole,
he's holding it against the car."
And when you're like over forty, it's embarrassing,
you gotta go to rehab.
You know how embarrassing it is?
"Okay, you pulled a muscle in your rectum, so you want to...
you want to swivel your..."
( mumbling )
You're next to someone, just "aaahhhh..."
( imitating old woman ) "It's nice to have someone else in here.
"What happened to you?
Did you have a stroke?"
"No, I pulled a muscle in my heinie."
"Oh. It never goes away."
( laughter )
They said I got-- because when I drive,
I get a pain from my butt
and it goes down my legs, so the doctor--
we're so far advanced, the rest of the world--
you know what I gotta do?
"Get a tennis ball,
"if you can't get a tennis ball,
stop at a 7-Eleven and get an apple
"and stick it in your rear end...
...and while you're driving, you want to massage it--"
On my life. "--massage it, "and you wanna stick it
right next to where your heinie hole is..."
You know how creepy I look at a red light?
"Hey, what's up.
Pulled a muscle in my heinie."
( laughs )
Gettin' old is not fun, man.
I see it. I see my first--
'Cause once you start hitting forties,
you start thinking, "All right...
"I hope I make to, like, eighty." Right?
Eighty's a good number, some people say seventy,
I think eighty's a good, like, "Yeah, I'm want to make it to eighty."
But what we forget is the little side things.
You know, you don't think about stuff like a slipped disc.
You know, like you're 52, and you're, like,
I'm gonna go up the stairs. Oh, God!
Don't touch me. Don't touch me!
Oh, God, don't touch me!
What's the matter? I don't know.
I just can't move in this position.
Is it your heiney hole again?
You know, my mom's 78.
She went blind in one eye, right?
And so she's got liquid coming out of that eye, right?
Ugh, it's horrible! ( pathetic groan )
She's got her little handkerchief,
just dipping the eye.
And that's just the surface of the problem.
You've gotta go home and you gotta deal with your kids.
Your kids see that, like, oh, God, no!
Dad, what's wrong with Nana's face?
She's blind in her one eye,
and the liquid comes out-- Oh, God, I--I can't!
Go out and play with her.
What am I supposed too play with her, Dad?
If we touch her, does that happen?
No.
Go play hide and seek with her.
Hide on her left side, she'll never find you.
Because her one eye's blind, you bring in the doctors.
Doctors aren't the same today, they're just matter-of-fact.
We go to the doctor, and, like, you know,
her eye keeps seeping.
Well, here's the situation. Um...
she had a stroke years ago,
so the nerve endings are dead, so the eye is dead.
So basically, um... take the eyeball out.
I could do that in two hours right here in the office.
( laughter )
She's got great medical coverage.
Or we sew it halfway shut.
It's up to you. Talk to your mother.
Ma, you wanna wear a, uh, a pirate hat?
And I'll get you a little hook.
It sounds cool, you know.
A little hook and a patch.
Arrrgh! It'll be fun.
We'll have "Pirate Day". You in?
You wanna do this?
So she's gonna walk around the house
with her one eye, you know.
Like a parakeet-- that's what she looks like.
Just walking around... ( squawks )
And she's starting to get dementia,
so she just stands there at the window
waiting for the mailman-- ( squawks )
The mailman comes, she gets excited, like feeding time.
Mailman! Mailman! ( squawks )
And the dementia--
there's this thing called "sundowning",
which means, during part of the day,
when the sun reaches a certain point,
their minds go crazy.
So she starts getting really obsessive after 2:00 p.m.
( squawks )
And she starts pressing all the buttons in the house.
And I've got electric shades,
so the shades are going up and down,
the microwave oven's on-- ( imitating power surge )
My garage door-- ( imitating power surges )
Which is fine and good, but now,
you know, the kids in the neighborhood,
they think my house is haunted.
So at 3:00 they start gathering.
They're like, watch. Watch what happens to this house.
There goes the window shades. Look, look, look!
( imitating power surges ) There goes the garage!
Look at the garage! I told you.
( imitating power surges )
She's in the window.
The ghost, look at her.
The one-eyed ghost. ( squawks )
Mailman!
( cheers and applause )
Sorry to say this, but I support Dr. Kevorkian.
Hey, unless you lived it, I'm sorry.
My mom's starting to get Alzheimer's.
She doesn't know where she's at.
In one sentence she goes you look great.
The next one, she's like, I gotta walk my elephant.
It's sad to watch go down,
but, I'm not gonna lie to you, there's times
where I just feel like bringing her to a cliff
and go, Ma-- Everyone gather 'round.
Nana's lived a great life.
She thinks she's on a unicorn, turn the other way.
She's in a happier place now.
Who was winning? Pharmaceutical!
That's who was winning.
No she's in a good place, you know.
We know what to do with an animal when they're done.
Right? You bring it to the vet.
You'll hold out bringing them to the vet,
but there's a time when you know
gotta bring 'em to the vet.
You'll hold on to your little dog.
What's up with your dog? Dog's laying there...
he's got an oxygen tank-- ( imitating oxygen droning )
Missing chunks of fur.
Has no tail, just a stub.
Is that thing all right? That's Mr. Fritz
Um...
Mr. Fritz was supposed to die when he was eight year old,
because these breeds have bad organs,
but he's our little miracle.
He's 17 years old, aren't you?
He's got no teeth, he can't see.
He can't chew, so we make him spaghetti every day.
Right, Mr. Fritz?
You can pet him, just don't touch his tumors.
He growls.
( sinister chuckle )
( imitating dog growling ) Oh, yeah, that's...
( chuckles )
He wipes his heiney on the rug, but it's okay.
We pick him up and we bring him outside,
and we scoop the poop out of his heiney.
It's okay, we love him. We love Mr. Fritz.
And you'll hold on to Mr. Fritz
as long as you can until... he can't hold it.
He's just sitting there, and he's...
( flatulence )
That's when you go, okay, um...
this is not a way to live.
We're gonna have to bring Mr. Fritz to the vet.
( flatulence )
Oh, Lord!
It's in the heating-- in the--
I can't get in there. That's--
( flatulence ) Oh, okay!
Bring him behind the garage
and hit him with a shovel and dig a grave.
Mr. Fritz-- This is no way to live for Mr. Fritz.
( flatulence ) Oh, my brand-new jeans!
Bring him to the vet.
What do you do when a human does that?
You know, like grandpa.
Or your father's hanging out by the kitchen table.
He doesn't even know it. ( incoherent muttering )
( flatulence )
And you walk by him, and you just catch it.
You're like, hey, Dad-- ( gags )
When humans start dropping deuces in their pants,
you've got a decision to make.
What are you gonna do?
You gonna bring 'em home,
or are you gonna send 'em somewhere?
Neither choice is easy, I'll tell you that right now.
Neither choice is easy.
I--I--I took my dad in.
Wasn't an easy one. Okay?
Because he couldn't control his bowel movement.
He'd go, I gotta go to toilet.
Never mind.
( laughter )
( chuckles )
No one's prepared to clean that.
There's no YouTube video-- This is what happens
when your family members start dropping deuces in their pants.
It's just you're thrown into it.
I was on Harlem River Drive,
heading up to the George Washington Bridge.
And as I'm on the bridge--
I got the kids in the back,
so that raises the stakes a whole lot.
And he's next to me, and he drops a deuce
in his pants.
And he doesn't even know it.
Hey, a beautiful day out. Look at the river.
And it's not like-- You ever smell a diaper?
A bad diaper. There's a warning.
You know, you're sitting there, you're like--
( sniffing ) Ooh!
Oh, wow.
Someone has to get changed when we get home, huh?
Did you try some new food today?
And the baby's-- ( muttering gibberish )
But when an adult-- a grown adult...
And these pipes are, like, 80 years old,
and the diet, and they got pills.
There's no warning. When it comes out,
it goes right up your nostrils,
and it goes past all your sense--
it goes right for your gag reflex immediately.
And you don't even know it's coming.
You're like, hey-- ( retching )
I'm--I'm talking about
you can't even keep your eyes open.
So you can't drive and try to--
( retching )
All right, ( gags ) we're gonna slow down.
We're gonna ( gags )-- We're gonna slow down.
( gags ) You can tell he's embarrassed.
He's, like, I gotta act like that?
( retching )
I'm sorry, it's not you. You thought it was you?
No, ( gags )-- I'm--
Go around!
( retching )
Get going!
Dad, it's not you, it's the air refreshener.
( retching )
I'm aller-- I'm allergic to the--
( gags )
I'm allergic to the air refreshener.
I'm gonna write 'em a nasty letter
and let 'em know I'm disappointed with their pro--
( gags ) I'm disappointed with this product!
But then the kids smell it,
and then you're in trouble.
You see 'em in the rearview mirror just--
(laughing)
( retching )
Open-- Unlock the window, Dad!
( retching )
Someone stepped in it. You don't smell it?
Someone-- (retches )
Someone stepped in doody, Dad.
Grandpa, did you step in doody?
Smells like you. ( retches ) Smells like you.
Guys, lis-- listen.
It's the air refreshener. We're all allergic--
We're allergic to it.
I'm gonna write them a letter,
Let 'em kno-- ( retches )
Let 'em know how disappointed I am.
I got pulled over, 'cause the cop thought
I was texting, 'cause the car was driving like a maniac.
And that's, you know, you see the way I look.
Everyone knows the way I look.
So I always look toasted.
And I can't--I can't unlock the window.
And he's like, open the window!
I'm like-- ( retching )
Are you drinking? Open the--
( retching ) One second.
I open up that window, he's like,
What the hell-- ( retching violently )
Yeah, and you know what?
It doesn't end in the car.
I wish it did, but it doesn't.
Someone's gotta clean that.
Who's cleaning? You calling your friend?
You're gonna call your friend--
Charlie, can you help me out? With what?
( retches ) Listen...
My fa-- My father just--
Oh, dude, I'm-- I'm in Mexico.
( chuckles )
There's no hotline to call.
Like, 1-800, what's your problem?
( retching ) Listen...
my fa-- My father, he--
Oh, God, he pooped all in his pants.
It-- It's in his sock, it's in my ca--
( retching ) It's in my car.
Call me when you want to end your life, sorry!
( laughter )
There's no cleaning kits
for--for cleaning an adult that dropped a deuce in their pants.
No one's got gloves and all that. You know what you need?
On my life, you know what I did?
I got a rake. You need a rake 'cause you don't want to touch that.
'Cause when you get a visual, oh, God.
Oh, God. So I took a rake and I took those pants off.
Dad, step out of your shoe-- ( growling, mumbling )
I took it and I made a bonfire. All the clothes went in the bonfire.
And then I got a hose. I had to hose him off.
Wet-Naps ain't doing that.
A baby you put on the changing table, lift their butt, you clean it in there.
This is a human being, 200 pounds, can't walk.
You hose him down.
And at point blank-- ( hose noises )
And just when you think you've conquered everything,
you start seeing the water and you go-- ( fake throwing up )
( laughter )
It's like a Third World country river forming.
Hah-hah! It's going down the driveway,
through the whole neighborhood.
( laughter )
You know Long Island:
"What the hell?" ( throws up ) "What is this?"
( laughter )
( throwing up ) What are you dumping on there?
There's buzzards landing. ( groans )
( laughter )
Should the dog be drinking this?
( lapping water )
"Mr. Fran--" "No!"
Kids are on their bikes. "My grandpa pooped his pants!"
( laughter )
"You see the Willy Wonka river?"
( laughter )
It's coming for my grandpa. Watch what happens when you smell it.
( throwing up )
( laughter )
Thank God. 'Cause there was one big spot.
Just think. He was sittin'. Said, "I gotta get that spot
from behind," right?
And it's in there 'cause he was sittin'.
So and I gotta get closer with the hose.
Thank God the older men get we hang.
So...I got, like, "okay."
( exhales )
"Just pretend you're at the carnival."
( laughter )
"I really wanna win this stuffed animal."
So, point blank, I hit him.
( shoots ) And it's right on.
( guzzling )
Sixteen--twenty seconds a clip, I'm keeping it by his belly button.
( guzzling )
Then I sta-- ( laughs )
( laughter )
Then I start hitting on an angle and make it twist.
( laughs ) ( guzzling )
( laughs )
Looks like a boxer on a speed bag.
Ping! ( hitting punching bag )
And I just remember going, "Dad, are you all right?"
And he goes, "You know what, it actually feels really good."
( laughter, clapping )
"Do me a favor, just do this me this favor."
I said, "I love you.
Whatever you want."
"Don't tell anyone."
"Yeah, okay."
( giggles )
( clapping, cheering )
Can't even make this up.
My wife, love her to death,
um...love of my life. Met her here in Long Island.
( cheers )
That's--that's right.
Going on 22 years now. With that said,
she loves animals!
I'm not talkin' like, "You're adorable,"
I mean--
Whoo!
Like that.
( laughter )
But maybe even worse. Like she's cra--
Case in scenario, we're leaving and as always, we're late for something.
You gotta get three kids in the car, ready to go somewhere,
and as we're leaving, I see this little mossy spot in the garage.
Now, you know, it's like January.
Okay? It's freezing out. She comes walking out, she's like, "What is that?"
Now the kids are like, "Oh, what's going on?"
She's, "Let me-- let me Google it! Oh, it's a--it's a cocoon
from a monarch butterfly. We should try to save it."
"Oh, whoa whoa whoa. If it is a cocoon, this butterfly is stupid
because it's January and it shouldn't deserve to live.
"I'm sorry. Let it stay there. Let's go.
We got to go." "You know what? You should respect the circle of life.
That's ridiculous."
And now the kids are like, "We can make this a project!
We can make this a project!"
"It's not a project. It's a cocoon! Leave it!"
"You're so evil!" "I'm evil?"
"'Cause I don't want to help a stupid butterfly
that made a cocoon and if it, let's say it does hatch,
it's gonna live four hours, I mean what do we do--"
So now this big argument starting like, "You don't even respect life--"
She calls up a specialist
on butterflies.
Which--who even knew that existed?
So she's on the phone with a pen,
"All right, slow down, slow down, so... I have a bay window.
"Okay? So I'll stick it in the bay window
on that old dry-- and then it'll hatch?
"How---okay. So I need liquid sugar to feed the butterfly
and a toothpick to unra-- okay, I got--"
Now I'm watching this, like, "Are you crazy?"
And I start thinking, "Who's crazier?
"My wife going through this,
"or the butterfly specialist on the line,
"who's waiting around going, 'Maybe some day--Bling!
Ooh, I can save a butterfly today!'"
( laughter )
"I've went to school for years for this."
"Butterfly specialist, can I help you?"
I'm in a garage: ( retching )
No help. This butterfly--"Oh, let me walk you through this."
There's a lady waiting to help her.
So here we are, all right?
People coming over like, "What's up with the box and the...
the cotton?" "Eh, don't ask."
Kids like, "It's the circle of life. It's a project we're doing.
Mommy's trying to save a butterfly."
And we stick this thing in a bay window.
And...not gonna lie,
about a week into it, stupid thing opens up.
And a butterfly comes out.
Now they're like, "We're gonna name him Hermy.
See, Dad? You give life a chance?"
And they write, "Day seven, Hermy's now it's coming alive."
My wife walked by like, "I hope you're satisfied with yourself."
Like, "It's gonna end tragically."
"How dare you--" ( mumbles )
( sighs ) Sure enough, they stick this thing in a bay window.
The sun comes out. She's got the liquid thing, she's feeding it.
She's unraveling its nose.
So it can feed the butterfly.
And then...I'll be darned.
The freaking wings start moving. This is a true story.
It starts moving, and that's--that's when I felt like,
"Oh...you know what, man?" A little hope.
And I felt--I felt so good for the butterfly and this thing took flight.
It was like, "Ah! Hermy's flyin'!"
So now this thing's in the living room and we're trying to catch it
and "Get the camera!" We're video-taping Hermy.
And he's going past through the couch and he lands right on the windowsill
where the cat's waiting for him. ( munches )
( laughter )
( laughs ) A week later,
Hermy came out as a colorful--there's your circle of life right there.
There's your--
( laughter )
Project over.
( applause )
Hermy. ( laughs )
Two summers ago, my wife and I and the kids, we go on a trip.
A friend of ours called and said, "Hey, would you like to go to Africa with us?
On a safari." "Wow!
Yeah! Love to do that." "'Cause yeah, we're going to Tanzania,
twelve-night safari." "Awesome!"
Now I got a 7 year old, 9 year old, 11 year old.
We're gonna go to Africa. Now, because he's setting it up,
I don't really look at the itinerary.
I figure he's got it. About two weeks before we go,
I get the itinerary and I see we're staying in tents.
Like, "Whoa!"
So we're gonna be in the middle of nowhere and our home is just--
( unzips tent )
( deep voice ) "Come on in.
You'll be safe, ha ha ha!"
Like, "Ahh, I don't--" Then my wife's going, "Can I see the itinerary?"
"No, just no. Not yet.
It's gonna be good though. It's gonna be good."
So now I have to do research.
And so I went on YouTube. "All right.
'People getting eaten on a safari.'"
And I'll be darned, right away, bing!
Five million views, "Man eaten on safari."
Like, "Oh! My Go--" So I watch this thing.
Now I'm not gonna lie to you, because you're watching this,
people at home are gonna be watching this.
The video does exist. And you're gonna look at it.
"Man getting eaten on a safari."
I'm gonna warn you now. The first five times you watch the video,
it's a little rough and confusing.
'Cause you're like, "Wow, are those lions really biting him?
That's his leg twisting? Wow, that's real."
But from the sixth time on, it's pretty funny.
( laughter )
You can't believe humans are that dumb.
So, okay, here's the video. It's an English guy, right?
I'm assuming he's English 'cause he's videota-- his teeth and his ears.
His ears are like.
( gargling in English accent ) "Oh, animal getting eaten by a--lion, how brilliant,
absolutely brilliant. What's going on here?"
( grumbles )
Looked like he was waiting for a soccer ball.
"Is that a soccer ball? Excuse me."
( makes kicking sound )
"The whole world should play soccer."
( kicking noises )
"Can't use your hands, you know."
( kicking noises )
Can't stand that sport. Can't stand soccer.
Dumb, annoying.
( cheering )
( British accent ) "Oh, you should watch soccer."
( sports announcer voice ) "Ah, what a brilliant game we've had here in Manchester.
It's been nil-nil for nine straight months."
( laughter )
"No one has scored. Some of the best playing we've ever seen.
"The audience is absolutely decapitating each other's heads.
"Beer drinking festival-- oh, wait, someone's getting--no, no, nothing.
"And the game is over. Nope! It's not over.
We're not sure when it's over. We'll continue playing."
And then you watch this dumb game and all it is it's just called "faking."
'Cause that's all it is. Every three minutes, this is what I see.
( getting hit )
( laughter )
"Oh, no, Ian McGillicuddy is hurt."
"Great Britain can not afford to lose Ian McGillicuddy.
"He is their top scorer.
"Perhaps he was kicked from behind.
"Let's watch instant replay.
See what happened to him."
Nothing! He's faking!
( laughter )
Sorry. Africa. Sorry.
( laughter )
Huh. Whoops.
Okay.
Again, the first five times you watch this video,
it's rough.
So this English guy
is videotaping.
( chuckles )
And the lions are eating a zebra.
The first move he makes, I get it.
He sticks his butt out the window.
He sticks his body out and he's videotaping.
"Oh, look..."
( laughter )
"They're gnawing on his backside.
You can see the meat dangling from their bodies.
Brilliant footage."
( laughter )
"Perhaps I can sell this to National Geographic."
Is that a soccer ball? Okay."
And so I get this move.
I would do this because, you know,
in case the lion looked at you.
( roars )
You have enough time to get in the car,
roll up the window, and then, you know...
Beep. "Yeah, what's up, lion?"
( laughter )
"I'm in the car, stupid."
( imitates horn )
( laughter )
But this guy opens up the car door.
And now he's standing behind the car door.
Lions are 15 feet away, eating, snarling.
There's one point where the one lion snarls at the other.
( snarls )
( roaring )
That would've been enough for me.
"All right, let's go see if we can find ostriches."
( imitates revving engine )
This guy goes, "Oh, I must get a closer look."
( laughter )
"Ooh, yes, I can see right inside the carcass."
And that's when the lions are like, "Pfft."
( laughter )
"I guess we have dessert."
( laughter )
And they take him down, start gnawing on him.
By the time the people come, it's too late.
Now...
( laughter )
Deserved it.
( laughter )
Here's the sick part.
If you watch that video,
it goes into a documentary.
And the documentary is really sad,
but the family sues the safari company
for negligence.
They're negligent!
Can you imagine?
That stuff happens in America.
"I'm gonna sue you!"
That doesn't fly outside this country.
And I give the Brits a lot of credit,
'cause that judge came in, difficult thing, he comes in...
"Court is in session."
( laughter )
"First of all..."
( laughter )
"Order! Order!"
"First of all, I'd like to give my condolences
"to the tragic situation at hand
"and why we're in court here today.
"I cannot imagine the emotions you must be dealing with
on a daily basis."
( laughter )
"However, we cannot decide things on emotions.
"We can only deal with the facts.
"And I've been reviewing these facts
"for many months now, and I just in my own chambers
watched the video."
"And I must say...
"the first five times that I watched that video...
"I couldn't believe it!
"But the sixth time, I thought it was amusing.
"I'm sorry, but he deserved it. Case dismissed.
Who's up for soccer?"
( laughter )
"Oh, me calf."
( cheers and applause )
But we did go to Africa. We end up going anyway.
I didn't tell my wife we were staying in tents.
So we land in Africa, right?
And we're going--we see lions, buffalo, cheetah, baboons,
and it's gettin' dark and we roll up on the tent. Whoop!
And that's when the kids and my wife are like,
"Whoa, whoa, wait, whoa, what's going on?"
And the safari guy goes, "Listen, do not be worried.
"Tonight you're going to hear lions,
"and you're going to hear hyenas.
"They'll be all around the tent hunting all evening.
"Whatever you do, do not scream
"or turn on any of your phone lights
"because then the animals know
something's inside the tent."
( laughter )
"So what--what keeps them from coming in the tent?"
"Just keep it zipped and locked and you will be safe.
Enjoy the night."
( laughter )
Yeah, you look at your wife and kids,
you're like, "Well, all right, you heard 'em."
"I'm gonna lock up. You guys put your jammies on."
And that feeling of locking up,
there's no, like, "click, click, bolt,"
it's just-- ( farting zipper noise )
( fart zipper continues )
"I don't know about you guys, I feel good about this.
Let me double check."
( zipper noise )
"Yup. We're safe. We're safe."
( laughter )
So it's the middle of the night, okay?
First thing I hear-- the kids are sleeping,
my wife's sleeping-- first thing I hear
is thousands of wildebeests all over the place.
( imitating wildebeests )
And I'm sitting up in my tent.
( imitating wildebeests )
And they're getting closer.
( imitating wildebeests )
And now I hear...
( imitating lions )
When you hear that noise,
it's the most haunting noise.
You ever hear that...
( imitating lions )
'Cause you know what that means?
That means they're plotting.
That's how they speak when they're plotting.
So right now, somewhere outside my tent,
I've got a pride of lions going...
( roars )
( roaring )
So I don't panic until I hear all the wildebeests running.
( imitating wildebeests running )
And I hear one taken down.
( imitating wildebeest groaning )
And the lion starts eating him. ( imitates eating )
And I went, "All right, it's really sad."
But then I hear...
So he's over here, and I hear...
( growling )
( roaring )
This went on for three hours.
( laughter )
You can't scream.
( roaring )
What are we gonna do?
( roaring )
"We're safe. It's locked. We're safe."
( laughter )
So we survived the first night.
Okay.
Now, here it is. Now's the big safari.
We come up with our jeeps, three jeeps, the tops open up.
The tops are open so you can stand
and check out wild animals, right?
So the first jeep, it's me, my wife,
and the other couple.
Middle jeep, it's my pre-teenagers
and their pre-teenagers, like, my ten-year-old.
And the last jeep is my seven-year-old
who could care less she's in Africa.
All she cares about is she doesn't have to wear
a seat belt, that's all she--
"I don't have to wear a seat belt."
( laughter )
"Dad, I don't have to wear a seat belt.
"He said I don't have to wear a seat belt.
Can we move here?"
( laughter )
Look it, look at all the animals.
"I don't have to wear a seat belt."
So we're passing cheetah, wild boars, lions.
"I don't have to..." She's not even looking.
"I don't have to wear a seat belt."
We roll up on these-- on these elephants,
a whole big pride of elephants, right?
And I stop and I have a brand-new video camera.
I'm videotaping. Spent like a thousand dollars on the thing.
It's HD. I'm staring at 'em. I'm zooming in.
And we turn off our engines so we can listen to them.
As we were looking, the baby comes out.
It's, like, curious.
( huffing )
It's so young, it can't make the noise.
( imitates weak elephant trumpet )
( laughter )
( imitates weak elephant trumpet )
And everyone's going, "Are you getting this?"
"Well, yes, I'm getting it. Of course I'm getting it.
Could someone tell our daughter to look at the baby?"
"I don't have to wear a seat belt."
( laughter )
And while I'm videotaping this thing,
my wife goes, "You know, we should be careful...
"because if the baby gets too close,
"the mother might get mad and they charge, right?
Don't they charge?"
I said, "No, they don't charge. Why would you--"
And as soon as I said that,
the mother elephant was like,
"No, no, no, your wife has a good point."
( laughter )
And it charged.
It's not coming to me, it's not going to the middle jeep.
Hand to God, it's going for my seven-year-old daughter,
who's not even-- doesn't even know
there's a bull elephant running toward her.
"I don't have to wear a seat belt."
And this thing's at full charge.
( trumpeting )
Now, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm just being honest.
I'm videotaping...
and you have a decision to make here.
( laughter )
I mean, who has video of a charging elephant
with a child or anyone in your family?
Who has that? No one has that video.
I YouTubed. It's not there.
( laughter )
So I'm watching this thing run.
I'm like, "Oh, God, should I keep this rolling?
I have to, this is amazing footage."
( trumpeting )
I'm like, "God, is this awesome!"
And then I realize it's not stopping.
And that's when I went,
( groaning ) bad father, let me just...
( screams ) and I couldn't-- I couldn't even scream.
and this elephant, swear to God, hit the truck.
Daughter goes flyin'. Pow--goes down.
This thing pushed it about 20 feet, ( screeching noise )
shoved it against a tree, looked at us, ( elephant noise )
( elephant blaring )
Daughter's fine.
All she's concerned about is, she gets out, like,
"You know I have to wear a seat belt, right? ...wear a seatbelt?"
But now everyone turns to me and they go, "Did you get that on video?"
I go, "No." "Uh!"
"You didn't get that on video? How do you not get an elephant charging?"
I said, "I--
"I'm sorry I didn't get the potential mauling
"of my seven-year-old daughter.
"What kind of human being would keep that video going
"not knowing what was gonna happen?
"I dropped the camera to make sure she was all right-- I couldn't even scream
"'cause I was in such a panic and I'm sorry I didn't capture the video.
"I'm sorry I'm not a sick human being
I didn't get it. Sorry!"
Without even hesitation my oldest daughter goes,
"I got it."
( audience cheers )
"You wanna see your face in freeze frame?
"Check this out."
The worst part about the whole thing, when it was over
you ever--you ever almost get in an accident or be so scared in your life
you don't realize how tense you were until the moment's over
and your body's naturally shaking?
When this was over, I found myself, just, naturally shaking.
The worst part was,
I dropped a little bit of a deuce.
And everyone knew something was going on with me,
like, "What's the matter with you?"
"I might have to go to the vet."
(cheers and applause)
You know, a couple years ago when Hurricane Sandy hit,
it beat up where I live, out in Jersey,
and it beat Long Island up really bad.
That was the first time in my life I felt vulnerable, just as a human.
You heard about people breaking in and fights,
and people out in line for gas, and taking each other out.
And up until that moment, I never feared anything.
My security system, I'm very secure with.
I have, um, under my bed I keep a whole case of tennis balls.
Now, why do I keep a case of tennis balls?
'Cause I grew up here in Long Island where stick ball
was the greatest thing in the world.
So, in--in my mind, I really have this vision of one day goin',
"I hope some dummy breaks in my house."
You know, it's pitch black and they're goin' through the house, goin',
"I think--I think he has a safe over here, is it--"
( sound of tennis ball being hit )
( tennis balls )
"What's goin' on?"
( tennis ball )
Me goin', "You picked the wrong house, that's what's goin on."
( tennis ball )
"Yeah, check your forehead, Spalding."
( tennis ball )
However,
when a situation like a hurricane hits and you have no gas,
no electricity goin' two or three weeks,
I had this vision of people showing up at my house,
knockin' on the door, and goin'
(knocking noise) "I heard you got canned food and women in the house."
"We're gonna need more tennis balls."
I'm just being honest.
It's the first time in my life, petrified of them,
it's the first time I thought about getting a firearm, okay?
I started asking around, "Okay, man, do you got firearms?"
I was shocked how many of my friends had firearms.
"Oh yeah, I got firearms."
"Where?" "Come in my basement, look at--"
( machine gun noise )
( explosion )
"You want a bazooka?" "No, I don't want a bazooka!"
So, I started, I went through the process,
Got... got fingerprinted,
I go, "Yeah, I'm thinking about a gun."
He goes, "Oh, I'm glad you did that, take a training course,
"think about it. You don't have to purchase, just...
look into a training..." And I start thinking, "Aw, man.
"I don't know if I can have one because I'd ruin it for really good gun owners."
'Cause there are people out there, like, "You know what, man,
"you gotta respect it and keep it locked and safe."
Because if I ever did get a gun, I'd--I'm just being honest--
I don't even know if I'd get bullets.
'Cause--'cause I'd wanna wave it!
Yeah, if you cut me off, when I got kids in the car,
you're getting a wave. You're getting a wave.
Yeah, I'm gonna come right alongside,
"Hey, what's up, man? What's up?"
And then, I've got--I've got three menstrual cycles in my house
all at the same time.
You know what that's like? I don't need a gun in my house.
I got three women goin', "Who left hair in the shower?"
"Wasn't me!" "Yes, it was!"
"That's my shirt!" "Who was in my panty drawers?"
"Get out of my room!"
And my wife, I don't trust her with a gun,
like, just the cats.
I've come home, she's had cats hanging out of the second story window
because they pissed in a rug.
"You don't pee in people's rugs!"
I had this horrible vision,
like, "I found the gun and these cats pissed in my new plants."
( gun fire )
"No more cats. Put 'em in the back by Mr. Fritz. It's over."
"Wha? What are you doing? Wha?"
"I'm sorry, that's it, I've had enough with them."
And then I started thinking I might even use one to discipline my own children.
I'm just sayin'!
And don't judge me unless you have at least two kids.
You got one kid, you're out of the game.
You got parents, "Ah, our kid's difficult."
"Your kid? Step up!
"You got a mom and dad and one and you can't handle it?"
( air horn noise )
"Call me when you're outnumbered."
You know, I could definitely see myself goin' by the pool area at my house,
goin', "Hey! Hey!" ( gun fire )
"Oh, now I have everyone's attention?"
( crowd cheering )
"How many times has mom asked all three of you, 'Get out of the pool,
"'jump in the shower, start gettin' ready for bed time?'
"Too many, that's how many. Get outta the pool, right now!
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, you can go home to your family,
"Sorry.
"Mom's inside, right now, having a complete break down, you understand that?
I'm inside and I--I'm trying to just get three minutes to myself."
God forbid dad has three minutes without having to do something.
And I sit down, open up a bag of chips.
I'm googling who the Mets gonna lose to today.
(laughter)
And mom starts crying.
And I said, "Why are you crying?"
"I've asked these kids over and over.
"I asked them politely.
"I said, 'Please get out of the pool.'
"I don't like yelling, I'm tired of yelling.
"They don't listen to me.
"They're disrepectful.
"I believe in the Lord, and I read the Bible.
"And I love church, but I don't want these kids.
"I hate them.
"I shouldn't say that.
"But I know they're my kids, but I don't want the kids.
"But this is the way they are!
"And what really bothers me, what are you on your iPad for?
"What is so important?
"You see me struggling.
You don't even help me out, you ever back me up with anything?"
So here I am.
(laughter)
"Get inside! Don't run! Don't run!
"Stay down! Keep your face in the mud.
"Don't move. Keep your face in the mud.
"Stop crying.
"Get in the house, help mom with the dishes.
"Don't cry.
"Stop! I barely touched you.
"I barely touched you.
"You're faking!
I'm gonna sign you up for soccer."
(cheers and applause)
Thanks for having me, Long Island.
(cheers and applause)
It's good to be home.
Thank you.
(cheers and applause)
*
God bless you.
Thank you.
(cheers and applause)
>> *